The prompt was…
“Tell me about a time when you dealt with peer pressure?”
It was asked during a recent mastermind retreat hosted by my speaking and performance coach, Mike Ganino. (You’ve heard me gush about him before, most recently here.)
The first thing I wrote on my sticky note was, “Not buying an apartment or house.”
Given how central buying a home “with the white picket fence” is to the American Dream, this was a very unconventional decision for me to make. Though where I live in Brooklyn, the equivalent would be a brownstone or an apartment (condo or cooperative).
The messaging around homeownership is clear and loud. It is:
- considered to be a major pathway to building personal wealth;
- viewed as a symbol of stability and security, and
- often associated with a certain level of financial success, status, and achievement.
Yet, here I was intentionally bucking the trend. And at the height of the no-money-down frenzy in 2005, no less!
I have a very vivid memory of a moment in a particular apartment I visited one Saturday. As my friend, Carlton, who is a developer and who generously went with me to visit every place I contemplated putting a bid on, asked about boilers and rooftops, I noticed I had tuned out. I was walking around the apartment in sort of daze. Because this was the third apartment that day and the third time I thought about how my current apartment wouldn’t fit.
Not my beloved, cherry-wood antique dining room furniture, which included a table and six chairs, breakfront (or china cabinet as some call it), sideboard, and buffet. Also known as: the first “real” furniture I purchased and made me feel like such a “grown-up” when I hosted Thanksgiving each year and dinner parties.
Nor would it fit the armoire that has been in my family since I was a little child.
And I remembered silently asking myself, “Why am I doing this?”
Is it because the majority of my friends were buying apartments and whole brownstones, and I felt like I was missing out?
Is it because someone said to me, “I would not hire you because you don’t own property.” Ouch! Yes, it did sting. But it also made me wonder how many other prospects felt the same.
An Interesting Relationship
In my book, “Financial Intimacy,” I reference the famous quote from Søren Kierkegaard that says, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
Back then I didn’t recognize my feelings about this experience as peer pressure – let alone as financial peer pressure.
In hindsight… it is as clear as day!
Here is something else I can now see more clearly:
How deeply intertwined is the relationship between financial peer pressure and the pursuit of financial perfection.
Financial peer pressure can rear its head and show up in a variety of ways. Like:
- The phenomenon of “keeping up with Joneses” vis-à-vis how you spend and invest your money.
- Lifestyle creep. This might look like upgrading your lifestyle every time your income increases, but to the point where you never actually save or invest any portion of your increase.
- Making spending and investing decisions that are influenced by the fear of missing out on experiences or opportunities in which others are partaking.
- Succumbing to the expectations of others by extending the capacity of your resources and reserves to match what they are doing or expect you to be able to do. This explicit or implicit pressure could be coming from your family, close circle of friends, or colleagues.
- Feeling inadequate because your financial reality and lifestyle doesn’t compare in the way you’d like with what you see showcased on social media.
The thing about financial peer pressure is that it is often subtle, which makes it the perfect “soil” for the notion of financial perfection to thrive.
The thing, though, about “financial perfection” is that it is often an illusion, rooted in the idea that there is an ideal, flawless way to manage money—where everything is perfectly optimized, no mistakes are made, and all financial goals are met seamlessly.
Intellectually you and I know this is unrealistic.
Because not even nature is “perfect;” it, too, has to adapt to the context and circumstances of its changing environment.
And yet, we don’t typically extend a similar grace to ourselves. For example:
How often have you found yourself thinking, “If I do everything right—save enough, invest wisely, avoid debt—I’ll always be financially secure.” Overlooking how unpredictable life and business are – how things like market volatility, a job loss, a downturn in business, unexpected expenses, or personal crises can derail even the best plans.
How often do you minimize the progress you are making toward your goals because you’re not getting “there” as fast as you’d like or as quickly as those around you? Progress involves flexibility, adaptability, and resilience. Perfection does not. (As a recovering perfectionist, I frequently need to remind myself of this.)
How often do you feel ashamed or inadequate because you are comparing yourself to an idealized version of financial success or to others – and feel like you’re falling short.
What About You?
Now, it is your turn.
The question that was asked of me I pose to you: Tell me about a time when you dealt with peer pressure?
How did this show up for you when it comes to your money – particularly as it relates to how financial perfectionism reveals itself?
From what I’ve shared herein, you can probably tell what my answer to the question I pose in the title of this piece is. But, I’m curious to know your answer – what do you think?
And, lastly, what keeps you grounded when you realize financial peer pressure and financial perfection have you in a grip?
(If you prefer to not to literally share it with me, at least write it down.)
Let Your Vision Guide You
Yes, at the time, it is true that I didn’t recognize my experience of going to “open houses” for an apartment as peer pressure. Let alone financial peer pressure.
But I am extremely grateful for my inherent stubbornness and tendency to question my motivations and intentions.
Because, it is what helped me to go from not feeling confident in my choice to not follow the crowd, and to go from being too attached to what others thought about me and my choices, to feeling good about my so-called unconventional decision. (Btw: This before/after is always being tested.)
I am also grateful for the fact that I was clear about what it is that I want money to do for me. Sure, I may not always know how I’m going to get from point A to point B, but I don’t let the vision I have for my money get too blurry.
Plus, I actively push back on the idea that there is such a thing as financial perfection. In fact, I believe promulgating this idea has done more harm than good to us all.
